Check out part 2 HERE!
Hello, everyone, and welcome back to another edition of The Top 5: series, where we explore a different subject each week. I normally stay in my realm of understanding, Video Games, but this week I’m putting out a special edition, Top 5: Episodes of 1980′s Cartoon That Should Have Been Made. This isn’t any cookie cutter list where we make fun of He-Man’s sexuality, or call Smurfette a whore, Darrell and I took a lot of time discussing the ins and outs of our favorite 1980′s cartoons, and decided on these five. Now, you’re going to disagree, and that’s fine, please join in on the comments below, or on our Facebook Page! Be sure to like us, of course.
5. Thundercats: Gettin’ Spayed
In Lion-O’s ever-present quest for knowledge and understanding, he oftentimes found himself quite unsure of himself. During these dark times, he would go to a mirror and perform his daily affirmations, “I will not get a furball” or “I will stop licking my balls in public, unless asked to do so” and feel better about himself. In today’s episode, though, Lion-O finds out what all the cool kids are doing, Gettin’ Spayed! Unknowing what that means, but unwilling to look a fool in front of his friends, Lion-O signs up to be spayed. When his time finally comes up, the hijinx erupts as he finds out what he’s agreed to have done, he begrudgingly goes through with it to maintain his street cred. The episode closes with Lion-O sitting in front of a mirror, and saying “I guess I’ll NEVER lick my balls in public now.” Lesson learned.
4. Inspector Gadget: From the Waist Down
As a little boy, young Inspector knew something was wrong, from the quizzical looks he received while using public restrooms, to stifled giggles from the nurses in the doctor’s office, to his inability to fill a codpiece, something was amiss. Then, one day, Gadget sustained a horrific industrial accident, which required 8,000 hours of reconstructive surgery. At the end, the performing physician noticed Gadget’s tiny member, laughed, and tried to go on his merry way. As Gadget came to, he noticed nothing was done to his phallic inadequacies, and with his settlement with the factory in hand, he convinced the doctor to add a big fucking hammer under his hat, so no one would notice what he was missing between his legs. Kinda like when your neighbor buys a Corvette.
3. The Wonder Twins: When The Lights Go Out
Unlike most siblings their age, Zan and Jayna were very close. I mean VERY close. VERY, VERY close. I mean, extremely close, to the point that their wonder twin powers activated on contact. Form of, a D![D*! Zan and Jayna’s parents were pretty suspicious, they spent a lot of time wandering around the globe, looking to prevent trouble, but they had no idea the kind of trouble brewing every night when the lights went out. Then, one day, Zan convinces Jayna that “it doesn’t feel as good with a condom on”. The episode ends in a cliffhanger as Zan forms into a uterus puncher.
2. Scooby-Doo: Velma Gets An Abortion
What to expect when you’re expecting
Sure, your memory of Velma is that of a sloth, short haired, quick tempered, and very masculine. But, have you ever wondered why? Well, it isn’t well known, but Velma had a short, intense relationship with a gentleman name Old Man Withers. OH SNAP! No wonder the creepy old man was haunting their every move! Apparently, Velma’s Vag (VV for short) was a world class hidey hole for Wither’s trouser snake. So he followed the Mystery Machine around, hoping for a glimpse of his one true love. Eventually, he turned to monsterism and concocted a plan to win Velma back. Of course, it was foiled, to which Withers replied, “and I would have gotten away with it, if it weren’t for you aborting my kid!”
1. The Smurfs: The World’s Lonliest Lesbian
It is a fucking sausage fest here!
Oh, poor Smurfette, the only female Smurf in Smurf Village. All the male Smurf’s would profess their love to Smurfette, yet nothing they could do would win her affection. Sounds odd, and like every attention whore’s dream. She never settled down, sounds odd, right? Well, not so much as Smurfette wasn’t into wang, she was into scissoring. Poor girl.