Welcome to the Strange: 6 Hilariously Embarrassing Historical Artifacts Ever Discovered

Hey strangers how goes it this week? Are you all ready to explore and dig in the dirt for some funny history? Let’s do this!

#6. King Tut’s Very Flammable 3,300 Year Old Erection

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You are supposed to see a doctor if the erection lasts for more than 4 hours. So yeah King Tut himself was mummified with a 90 degree boner for all eternity, must of been some hotties waiting for him in the afterlife.

#5. Blackbeard’s Syphilis Fighting Urethral Syringe

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Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s peen for me! When Blackbeard’s lost flagship, the Queen Anne’s Revenge, was rediscovered in North Carolina in 1996, historians immediately began cataloging every single thing they could find among the wreckage. The items they found revealed frightening tactics Blackbeard used on his enemies and the even more terrifying ones he used to keep a healthy penis. The purpose of the syringe above was to treat syphilis by shooting mercury directly into the urethra. Mercury eased the symptoms, but you were just as likely to kill yourself turning your dick into a thermometer as you were to die of the actual disease.

#4. A 200 Year Old Douche Buried Beneath New York City Hall

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I’m pretty sure you can find plenty of old douches in the New York City Hall, But as old as this one? Last year, a team of archaeologists examining a pile of garbage buried under Manhattan’s City Hall Park came across a mysterious object carved from bone. For a while, no one could figure out what it was, some believed it could be a spice grinder, which no doubt excited the one ancient spice grinder specialist on the team. Hopefully no one got around to using the object to prepare lunch, though, because they eventually realized they’d been holding a feminine hygiene product the whole time. More specifically, a 200 year old douche.

#3. A Really Nice 18th Century Dildo Someone Dropped In A Toilet

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If I had a dollar for every time I’ve dropped a dildo in a toilet I’d have zero dollars, but the day is not done so who knows what could happen! In the late 1700s, someone attending a fencing school in Gdansk, Poland, went to the toilet, pulled out a dildo, had a grand ol’ time, and accidentally dropped it in the toilet. We know this because of the archaeologists who dug through the latrine and found themselves confronted with a big ol’ dong. The dildo is insanely nice for the times. The Regional Office For The Protection Of Monuments in Gdansk said this about it, “It’s large, thick, made of leather, filled with bristles, and has a wooden tip.” Whoever dropped it was probably really pissed, that was a high class sex toy.

#2. A Well Used Roman Toilet Seat, Plus Wiping Utensils

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Uhm I’ve got nothing, just read it. A wooden toilet seat dating back to the Roman Empire was found intact by the director of excavations in Vindolanda, a fort not far south of Hadrian’s Wall in Northern England. It was well used, thrown away, and then it just stayed there forever. Another butt related Roman discovery, archeologists found a painful alternative to spongia, the sponge on a stick that Romans used to wipe themselves. In the 60s, archaeologists found what they assumed were ceramic board game pieces, only recently did they come to theorize that they’re actually pessoi, discs that those who weren’t into spongia used to wipe their asses.

#1. A Bottle Filled With Urine, Fingernail Clippings, Belly Button Lint, And Other Bizarre Things

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Excuse me while I go vomit. What do you get when you combine a jar, some pins, nails, lint, fingernail clippings, hair, and your own pee? (a new party drink?) Nope a witch bottle! This witch bottle was unearthed in Greenwich England, it was analyzed and found to contain “human urine, brimstone, 12 iron nails, eight brass pins, hair, possible navel fluff, a piece of heart shaped leather pierced by a bent nail, and 10 fingernail clippings.” The purpose of a witch bottle was to protect oneself from evil by literally trapping it within the jar. People also put little angry faces on the bottle, You gotta put your brand out there!

I hope you enjoyed that as much as I did, so much dick stuff. If there is anything you want me to cover let me know. STAY STRANGE!

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